MODERATOR: Mister President, your opening remarks?
BARACK OBAMA: Hello, Republicans, look at your candidate, now back to me, now back at your candidate, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped listening to the Tea Party and switched to being a moderate, he could govern like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in the Oval Office with the President your candidate could govern like. What’s in your hand? Back at me…I have it, it’s a tax plan that saves you enough money to buy two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now people marrying who they love regardless of gender. Anything is possible when your candidate governs like me and not a bigoted vulture capitalist. I’m on a unicorn.”